goodness gracious.

Life has just been kind of a crazy roller coaster lately. I've had just a crappy 2 weeks. I've thought about blogging every day, but it just didn't happen. 

In response to my last blog post, I've had another miscarriage. Since my HCG didn't double, we had a pretty good idea that it was going to happen. It basically started 2 days before my appointment, on a Monday. I went in on a Wednesday for what was supposed to be my first pregnancy appointment. I informed the u/s tech what had happened, but she did the u/s anyway just to make sure my body was doing what it should and that my ovaries were ok. 

I spoke to my OB, and we decided that testing was necessary. I've got to go have my HCG checked again this week sometime to make sure it's below 10. It was at 353 last week, so I'm pretty sure it's down enough now. Once we've determined its all out of my system, I'm going to have Thrombophilia testing done. They will be testing for lots of different things. 14 vials of blood... Not looking forward to that, but defintely looking forward to some answers.

I've taken a bit of a break from my blog and YouTube so I could just take some time to grieve and relax. I've booked a trip for next month to go see a dear friend's daughter get married. I'll be flying alone while Josh stays home with Ava. I am so excited to see my friend. I haven't seen her since she moved to CA in 2011. Her daughter is getting married in MI, so I'm flying there. I'm excited to take this trip and just have some girl time. I hope this helps get me back to "me", as much as it can.

I'm really looking into going to see a therapist/grief counselor or something. I need to talk to someone. I have lots of friends online that I talk to about my losses, but I feel like I also need some professional help, maybe even medication. I'm just not happy right now, and I want to be. I don't want to miss an opportunity to try to get myself back to how I used to be. Ava deserves more from me. She doesn't need to grow up with a mother that's suffering from depression, and I really feel like that's what this might be. I've gone through a LOT lately, and it's not fair. It's not fair to ANY woman that has to go through this hurt.